I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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