Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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