he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
