remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
