No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
