I cannot find my penis.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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