I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
