It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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