I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
