$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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