fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My sheets look like a crime scene.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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