I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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