Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
