I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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