My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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