So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
