tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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