Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
