the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
