i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
