Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
