i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
