I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
