dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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