just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
