just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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