just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
