We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
