you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
