Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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