found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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