My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
