his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
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I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
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I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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