I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Is it because I queefed?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
