He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
