My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
