my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
