I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
