The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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