Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
