guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
