Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my phone needs a breathalizer
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
