why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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