I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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