The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
