Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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