it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
