I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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