my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
false alarm. still invincible.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
