I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
