The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
