then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
