Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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