Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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