Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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