If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
