8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
